Tips for healthy conflict resolutions in relationships

No relationship exists without any bumps in the road. At some point, whether with a partner, a friend or a family member, conflicts may occur. The strength of a relationship is built off how people can deal with and overcome it. It isn’t always easy to resolve disagreements, especially with those you feel closest with, as the disagreement can feel more personal and intense. Despite this, understanding how to calmly and sensibly resolve conflict in a healthy manner will be a major benefit to the parties involved and will in turn strengthen the relationship once it has been overcome.

What is relationship conflict?

Put simply, relationship conflict refers to disagreements between people These disagreements could be amongst a group of people, but they are typically more intense with romantic partners, family members, close friends or even colleagues. Much like any conflict, it may stem from two differing viewpoints, but the intensity comes from previously shared experiences, heightened emotional connections and pre-existing relationship dynamics. Whilst the term ‘relationship conflict’ has negative connotations with many associating it with the breakdown of a relationship, it does not always need to be associated with negativity. When conflict is addressed with composure and understanding, it can be a springboard for growth and strengthen a relationship.

What causes conflict in relationships?

Conflict in a relationship can come as the result of a variety of factors or it could come down to a single issue. Whilst there might be an instigating incident which leads to the conflict and the repercussions to follow, the conflict often spawns from a specific issue, dynamic or belief.

Poor communication: As is the case with most conflicts, the root cause can often be broken down to poor communication. Whilst people may disagree on different topics, it doesn’t necessarily mean this will result in conflict. It is possible to maintain a relationship with someone that you disagree with entirely on an issue. It is when that issue is addressed with aggression, confusion and lack of empathy that it can lead to conflict. Being able to effectively communicate, understand and respect another person’s point of view can hugely alleviate the risk of communication breakdown and further conflict.

Misinterpretation: Much like communication, confusion and an unwillingness to listen can be the core foundation of conflict in a relationship. Whether it is simply mishearing a person, misunderstanding their intention, or focusing on one specific aspect of someone’s viewpoint rather than the overall picture, misinterpretation may begin as a simple, innocent mistake and quickly spiral into full blown conflict.

Differing expectations: Sometimes, the value one person gives to a point of debate may be far loftier than the other party does. Viewpoints and opinions differ. One key example of this may be in a romantic relationship, where one person values intimacy and affection above all else, whilst the other values appreciation and being heard. In the end, they both want to feel valued, they just have different ways of demonstrating this and experiencing it for themselves.

Unfulfillment: When a person has a vision or goal for themselves or for a specific relationship and they feel they aren’t receiving or achieving this, they can quickly sour on a relationship, and it can lead to conflict. Often, this may just be a case of patience, and the nature of instant validation that the social media age has brought with it. The relationship may be healthy, it may be heading in the direction of a person’s values and expectations, but due to timings, may not be right in that moment, inspiring conflict.

External factors: Conflict can sometimes be created and influenced by a factor that is entirely separate to the relationship itself. Whether it be job dissatisfaction, family issues or financial concerns, when these issues come to the forefront, they will impact a relationship. These issues can be the key reasoning behind declining mental health, overwhelming negative stress and burnout, and can be decisive in how you interact with others, inspiring unnecessary and indirect aggression and negativity.

Historical issues: In some instances, issues may come from a deeper psychological place. It may come about due to historical trauma or learned behaviours. This may include jealousy, insecurity or trauma from previous relationships, dependency and so on. These issues can be tougher to tackle as the dynamics they create are more testing. In instances such as this, more in-depth counselling and therapy may be required to overcome the issues at hand.

Unhealthy vs. healthy conflict in relationships

Conflicts in a relationship are typically depicted as something negative through various media outlets. However, it is important to recognise that often, conflict is necessary within a relationship, but only if it is expressed in a healthy manner. It provides space for people to air their grievances, let the other person understand your viewpoint, give their perspective and then a mutual resolution can be found. The issue arises when problems are discussed with aggression, defensiveness and cross the line into disrespectful. Here are a few key elements of what may constitute a healthy relationship conflict, and an unhealthy conflict.

Healthy relationship conflict:

Allowing space to communicate Conflict is simply a debate, a difference in viewpoints. The best way to move past a conflict is to understand one another. This means allowing each party to provide their viewpoint through clear and calm communication. As opposed to letting emotion dictate the emotion, where each party is cutting across each other and no points are effectively conveyed, allow time for each person to speak, express their beliefs and then settle to hear out the opposing viewpoint.

Empathy and perspective When conflicts and opposing viewpoints are raised in a relationship, it is important to take a moment, be patient and consider the background and perspective that may have shaped the other person’s viewpoint. Whilst a topic might be emotive, making it difficult to maintain composure and patience, taking that moment enables empathy and understanding. This simple device can not only bring to people closer together through understanding but can also diffuse tensions that lead to negative conflict. In some instances, it may be a case of ‘agreeing to disagree’ but seeing the other person’s perspective and showing respect to each other will improve communication and help the relationship grow.

Focus on solutions Often, conflict and disagreement are viewed through the lens of having a clear winner or loser. But really, the idea is to find a middle ground, compromise or solution that settles the conflict. If this isn’t placed at the forefront, trying to ‘win’ can supercharge conflict, as certain personality types may be committed to dominating a debate. This can result in the other person to either detach from the conflict and possibly taint their view of the relationship whilst also inspiring them try and dominate the conflict, making it more of a competitive and intense exchange.

Unhealthy relationship conflict

Blame and accusation When conflict arises, it can lead to instances of self-reflection and assessment of others. Often this can enable growth. Other times, it can lead to confusion as there is no clear cause or solution, and the anger involved in the conflict can result in blaming the other person for something that is out of their control. When a person is receiving blame yet cannot take responsibility for an issue as it is not the issue has come through no fault of their own, they can quickly become defensive and lash out, heightening the conflict.

Personal attack When conflict devolves into personal attacks, resolution can become near impossible to find. This is not to say that a person cannot be criticised. If their behaviour deems criticism as it is negatively affecting them or those around them, it can be beneficial to raise this with them. However, if this criticism becomes personal and unnecessary, the conflict can cross a line and in certain instances when this occurs, the relationship can become irreparable.

Defensiveness and being overly critical It is human nature to defend yourself in the face of attack, in the same way it is natural to criticise those who may be brining harm or committing wrongdoing. But this can often crossover into far more devastating conflict. With loved ones and those you are closest to, you will know their pressure points and you will know what you value most about yourself. So, when you are defending yourself or criticising someone else, and you know these pain points about each other, you will continue to encourage each other further and further and become more vicious in your attacks.

Is conflict resolution important for healthy relationships?

As has been stated, conflict in any relationship is natural and should be expected, no matter the nature of the relationship. When the conflict cannot be overcome, it not only results in a weakened and fractured relationship, but it may also result in the end of a relationship. When conflicts are left unaddressed, they begin to fester, morph and will be even more vitriolic when they next arise.

Without effective conflict resolution, relationships are frayed and can cause a complete breakdown in the relationship. When these disagreements are resolved in a healthy manner, they often bloom and come out of the other side stronger, with each party having a greater understanding of each other and a stronger sense of trust. Conflict resolution isn’t just important for a healthy relationship, it is imperative.

How to resolve conflicts in relationships

Finding resolution is never easy. This statement proves to be even truer when it comes to relationship conflict. When people are so heavily invested, possibly hurt and emotionally drained due to a conflict with their nearest and dearest, resolution to the conflict can seem like an unachievable dream. This is not true. Conflict resolution is always possible, no matter the level of emotional investment.

Healthy ways to resolve relationship conflict

Open and honest communication Without open communication, it is impossible for people to truly understand each other. Without full understanding, there is no way to completely empathise with others. Encouraging honesty, letting your feelings be known in a calm and understandable manner allows others to better understand your feelings, where they come from and put any conflict in the past to find a resolution.

Seek solutions and forgiveness When conflict arises, emotions can take hold and the end goal of finding a solution falls to the wayside. This way of thinking does not serve anybody’s needs. Problems shared are problems halved. When a dialogue is opened and people can understand each other’s perspective better, they can then work together to find a solution and resolve any ongoing conflict and in turn strengthening the relationship.

Understand the opposing perspective The previous steps can only succeed and flourish if people understand each other. Being locked into your own viewpoint can limit the opportunities for honest discussion and attempts to find a satisfactory solution. Opening your mind to view the perspective of those you conflict with enables you to see why tensions and emotions have run so high and discover a true sense of empathy with one another.

How can an Employee Assistance Programme help with conflict in relationships? (H2)

If you are in the midst of relationship conflict and feel as though you cannot find the solution without support, you can access the necessary expert support using HA | Wisdom Wellbeing’s Employee Assistance Programme (EAP). Using the 24/7 helpline, you will have access to expert relationship and marriage counselling with expert therapists and psychotherapists, from BACP accredited counsellors, 365-days a year.

With flexible appointments catered to a range of relationships including marriage, relationship, young couples, same sex, sexual relationship and sex therapy, no matter the issue, our team of experts will be prepared to assist you and assist you to find a resolution to your conflict.

Conclusion

All of those in a relationship, no matter the circumstance, will encounter conflict at one time or another. This is completely fine and entirely understandable. The strength of a relationship however can be entirely dictated by people’s ability to overcome a conflict and find a suitable resolution. Without effective conflict resolution skills, a relationship can be irreparably damaged.