How to deal with bereavement by suicide

Please note: This blog post includes information regarding suicide, suicide prevention and bereavement by suicide. If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, please contact us via wisdom.healthassured.org.

Grief and feelings of loss are some of the most complex emotions of the human experience. These feelings can become more complex and all-consuming when the cause of the bereavement is suicide. It can be a shock your system, especially if you tried your upmost to support the individual. Whatever the circumstances of the loss, all reactions to suicide are valid.

It can be incredibly difficult to deal with loss and overcoming it can take time. There is no single way to deal with bereavement by suicide, but there are proven methods to ease the process and begin to overcome the grief.

It is worth remembering that methods of coping and overcoming grief are not intended to erase the feelings you have experienced. Any methods that may help you through a grieving process are intended to help a person cope with the feelings and come to terms with that which they are experiencing, rather than becoming overwhelmed by them or rejecting them which can be damaging to a person’s mental health.

Feelings of grief are a natural response to loss; they should not be rejected or bottled up. Coming to terms with them is how a person can cope and eventually grow.

What you might feel when someone dies by suicide

Much like with any bereavement, you may experience a range of emotions. When it comes to coping with/managing bereavement by suicide, the emotions can be complex, incredibly confusing and even frustrating. Here are just a few examples of the mixed emotions you may experience as a result of someone ending their life:

• Grief

• Sadness

• Guilt

• Regret

• Shock

• Stress

• Anger

• Shame

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Trauma

• Fatigue

• Isolation

The range of emotions is intense/distressing, and it is not easy to deal with. Thoughts of “why?”, “how?”, “what could I have done?”, “did I do enough?”, and “is this my fault?” can be overwhelming. The mixture of powerful emotions stemming from such a traumatic loss, can lead a person to lash out and blame themselves, others or even the victim in some cases.

You may have been incredibly close to the person who has ended their life, which can lead you to feel abandoned and alone in grieving the loss of one of your closest relationships. The emotions can be devastating. But you must remember that you are not alone. Even if you may have been the closest person in the world to the person who ended their life, there will be others in a similar situation who understand your pain and can support you through this terrible time.

In certain instances, the trauma of losing a loved one to suicide can lead you to experience depression, and you may even begin experiencing suicidal thoughts yourself as you feel unable to cope. If you do begin to experience suicidal thoughts, please ensure you seek professional support.

This could be from The Samaritans, or speaking to a counsellor who can talk you through your issues, aim to find a solution and give you the secure outlet to discuss your feelings before things reach a critical point. This can be done through HA | Wisdom Wellbeing’s Employee Assistance Programme (EAP), where you can connect to an expert counsellor, 24/7, 365 days a year. However, if you have reached a critical point and it can now be considered a crisis situation, please contact The Samaritans Suicide Crisis Helpline, or the emergency services (111 or 999 if you have taken the steps to end your life) for emergency assistance.

How might my cultural background affect my experiences of bereavement by suicide?

Suicide is already a complex topic due to the range of emotions and trauma it can provoke. It can become even more complex when considering a person’s background and culture. For example, within some communities, suicide is not only stigmatised, but also looked down upon and deemed morally wrong.

Religious views on suicide

Previously, Christian doctrine taught that suicide was an act of sin and blasphemy. Whilst attitudes have changed for many modern-day Christians, who now focus on providing care to survivors and families, there are still some sectors of Christianity which view suicide through a stigmatised lens. This includes an incredibly prevalent sector of Christianity which is Catholicism. The Catholic Church teach:

*“Suicide contradicts the natural inclination of the human being to preserve and perpetuate his life. It is gravely contrary to the just love of self.” *

However, it is not only certain sectors of Christianity that have negative views on suicide. The same can be said for schools of Islam and Judaism and a host of other religions. For example, within Islam, suicide has been viewed as taking away the gift of life given by God to instead have faith in the mercy of God. Within Orthodox Judaism, suicide is forbidden and a violation of Jewish Law.

These beliefs and views can be hugely damaging and impactful to those who grow up in and around these communities. They may unknowingly stigmatise suicide and judge people who end their lives, making it harder to come to terms with their emotions when someone close to them ends their life. The stigma can create inner conflict, turmoil and confusion, which can lead to further stress during such a traumatic time. Luckily, many religious schools and leaders now have a more contemporary view on suicide and look more towards prevention rather than judgement and furthering a stigma.

Ethnic minority backgrounds and suicide

The relationship between ethnicity and suicide in the UK has been analysed in a recent study. It was found that the highest rate of suicide is amongst those who identify as ‘White British’, ‘mixed ethnicity’ and ‘Gypsy or Irish Travellers’. However, as people that come from ethnic minority backgrounds face distinct barriers registering with a GP, they are just as high-risk of suicide as other majority demographics. It is also believed that those who emigrate to the UK may experience challenges due to the ‘remigration hypothesis’. This leads to a desire of wanting to return to their country of origin and can cause immense stress and lead to worsening rates of depression.

One of the key issues faced by people from an ethnic minority background that can lead to suicide is racism. Unfair treatment and discrimination due to ethnicity, whether conscious or unconscious, can be a contributing factor to suicide rates in people from an ethnic minority background. Racism and discrimination can impact a person’s social life, their sense of self and even employment opportunities or access to medical care.

All these factors can contribute to feelings of anxiety and depression. The barriers to accessing suicide prevention services for some ethnic minority groups can be hugely detrimental as it prevents them from getting the mental health support they require. Some studies suggest that Black British, Black Caribbean and Black African demographics in the UK are more likely to access specialist mental health services than White British Demographics. However, Chinese, Indian, Mixed White and Asian ethnic groups are least likely to access mental health support. This could be due to cultural differences or customs, or it could be due to a lack of representation in and signposting to mental health support.

Socioeconomic class

The economic class of a person can have a significant impact on their mental health and how they deal with bereavement by suicide. Coming from a lower or working class background or living in a place that is considered a deprived area can be hugely detrimental to a person’s mental wellbeing. This can be seen in Wales where 23% of the population live in poverty and there are between 300 – 350 suicides in the country a year, three times more than that of road accidents. This equates to a higher rate of suicide per 100,000 people than England and Northern Ireland and just behind that of Scotland. The stats are as follows:

• 14.6 deaths per 100,000 people in Scotland

• 14.0 deaths per 100,000 people in Wales

• 13.3 deaths per 100,000 people in Northern Ireland

• 11.2 deaths per 100,000 people in England

Due to greater levels of deprivation and financial inequality, there are less available services to access as well as greater levels of debt. This is seen not only in the level of debt of public finances in the UK, but also the level of personal debt. Using Wales as a case study for the impact of socioeconomic class and mental health, it is estimated that 8% of adults living in Wales face severe debt, compared to 6% of the UK adult population.

It is also estimated that 16% of Welsh adults demonstrate signs of financial hardship. Reviewing these statistics alongside the rates of suicide, it shows that the stress and uncertainty associated with poverty heavily increases the chance of suicide. For those who lose someone suicide in deprived areas, it may be difficult to access the relevant and necessary services to help them through the bereavement process. Whilst struggling with the grief process, the stress of financial issues, such as having the money to buy food, pay bills, support a family or even afford housing costs, can very quickly impact the bereaved person’s mental health and in severe circumstances, could cause the bereaved person to consider suicide.

What support is available for suicide bereavement?

When dealing with any sort of bereavement, it is imperative that a person has a reliable and trustworthy support network to help them through. This may be even truer in the case of losing a loved one to suicide. The feelings raised could lead the bereaved person to consider suicide themselves if they aren’t supported. If you are currently experiencing bereavement due to suicide, here are some services and support you can turn to assist you through the process:

Charities

One of the most accessible forms of support is charitable organisations. These organisations understand the struggles you are experiencing and are specifically established and dedicated to supporting you with these struggles. This support can include helpline support, forums and even support groups which can be local or virtual. Here are just a few of the organisations that can support those dealing with bereavement by suicide:

• Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide

• Cruse Bereavement Support

• Sue Ryder

• The Samaritans – Facing the Future Groups

• Suicide&Co | Support after Suicide Bereavement

Friends and family

Those closest to you often understand you better than anyone and can see when you are struggling. In many cases, they may be experiencing the same feelings if they knew the person for whom you are grieving. It can alleviate a lot of the stress, pressure and misplaced guilt you may be feeling to discuss your feelings openly with someone you trust. It might be with a parent or guardian, a sibling, cousin, best friend.

Counselling

While a robust support network is hugely beneficial during the grief process, you may have a small support network or feel uncomfortable discussing your feelings with loved ones. If you feel that you need further support, it can be helpful to access counselling support to explore your feelings in a secure and confidential environment. There are various ways to access counselling. This could be through a referral by your GP, a local counselling service, or through an Employee Assistance Programme.

You can even fund counselling privately. In structured counselling, you will attend regular sessions in which you can explore and understand your feelings with the support of a therapist. Your therapist will help you to determine personalised coping strategies to help you manage difficult emotions and situations, including bereavement and the grief process.

If you feel as though you need professional support, please contact a counsellor today.

Relates article: How to Talk About Suicide with Your Friends and Loved Ones 

How can an Employee Assistance Programme help with suicide bereavement?

Bereavement can be a tough process to work through, and emotions can be heightened if you are facing bereavement by suicide. In certain instances, reliable, expert support may be necessary. Using HA | Wisdom Wellbeing’s Employee Assistance Programme (EAP), you can access 24/7 counselling, 365-days a year.

As the only UK’s only nationally accredited BACP accredited EAP provider, our counsellors are fully prepared to provide unrivalled support and expertise. Offering a counselling in the form of goal orientated counselling and trauma-specific intervention, such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) alongside critical incident advice, our team are dedicated and ready to support you. We know how difficult a process bereavement can be, so we are dedicated to providing the support you need to heal and overcome the tragedy of suicide.

Conclusion

The grief you will face after losing someone to suicide is a process. It takes time. Wrestling your emotions and dealing with inner conflict, grief and stress takes time, and anyone dealing with these needs reliable support to get through it. You will face difficulties, it may seem like too much at times, but having support in place to will help you grieve in a healthy manner. Remember, if you feel it is all becoming too much, immediately seek expert support.